In 1934 -- the middle of the Great Depression and the aftermath of one world war and the unwitting windup of the next one -- business consultant, Dale Carnegie, wrote a book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It became one of the best selling books ever.
English, being to me charmingly muddy, has the root winnem for "gaining by struggle," and won going back to the 14th century meaning "gain the affection or esteem of." The use of the word "win" generated some suspicion that Carnegie was teaching a strategy for getting over on people. The witness of Carnegie himself is clear that he was emphasizing won over winnem, even though I don't have evidence he made reference to the etymology distinction, in that day there was a cultural understanding of the different meanings.
I don't hear it as much any more, but the oldsters in my day talked about someone having 'winning ways' which meant likeable, admirable, and easy to be with. The important thing is the won kind of winning isn't zero sum. Carnegie's winning friends doesn't require me to lose any. I go to my friend, David Covey's exhortation, "create abundance and share." David is a person who has winning ways.
Carnegie emphasized honesty and sincerity in engaging others. It's one of the tests he meant won over winnem. Another test was his understanding that people with winning ways not only attracted the potentially ornery, they attracted others with winning ways, and, thereby, multiplied the abundance of their friendships. The more friends I have, the more friends my friends have.
His approach to a stranger was to start by finding points of agreement. His strategy was to try to ask questions the person could answer, yes, to. This requires some outward looking from the start. Humans begin assessing other humans instantaneously and initially unconsciously. Carnegie encouraged us to practice assessing for what they might say, yes, to; and where we might agree.
"Do you want to be known as a person who has winning ways?"
What would it mean to our current condition if we leaned into "won" over "winnem?"
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