My second favorite word is no.
A solid, no, keeps me moving in the right direction. And it keeps me from investing time, attention, and energy in a low-probability outcome.
The journalist, Judith Martin, writing as Miss Manners, highlighted the straightforward, no, as a component of 'excruciatingly correct behavior." In short, saying no, according to Martin, is the epitome of good manners. What's more, she asserts, it requires no explanation. When someone demands a reason, Martin advises repeating, "I don't prefer to," until they stop asking.
Why is a clear and useful, no, so often hard to come by?
No, can be risky when there's a power differential. We entered life as infants into a non-negotiable power differential. Our demands were dependent on the noblesse oblige of our caregivers. This doesn't stop. I had the experience a month ago, notwithstanding my multiple positions of seniority, of dependence on the deference of authority, when police lights flashed in my rear view mirror and I realized they weren't passing me by.
We're not wrong to have an unconscious and reflexive resistance to the risk of saying no. It's self protective.
I often find I can see the unconscious, no, flash in someone's eyes when I ask for something. I know their answer is no, before they do. It's rarely useful to bring it to consciousness at this point. I respond as though the, no, had been verbalized and quietly redirect my expectations. I can't recall being called out for that. As unconscious as the no had been, so is the person's relief when I don't press someone to say it out loud.
This unconscious reluctance to say, no, is leveraged by nearly all sales and negotiation strategies. We'd rather say, yes, even when it's against our interest. Sellers know this, and know they've usually pocketed the money before the buyer's remorse kicks in.
For me, and the work I do. I don't want my unconscious, no, keeping me from being all in on what I've chosen to engage, and, if we're engaging cooperatively, I don't want your unconscious, no, from being a drag on our cooperation. I want to engage in things I'm passionate about, and I want partners who are equally all in.
An important act of leadership is finding the moral courage to become conscious of one's no, and to say it simply -- with courage, and without resentment at being asked.
Next: Listening to our inner no
Warm regards,
Francis Sopper