"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1
Yeah. Easy for you to say, Solomon.
Ass hole!
Ouch, there it is. My reflexive defense response is always ready to rumble. I led with Solomon because responding from love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control is always better for me. And, as soon as I typed Solomon's words, it triggered the next two lines in my brain. I put them on the page to diffuse them and move on. I’ve left them on, dear Reader, as a confession to how hard this is.
Anger is our brain trying to protect itself. Whether it's from fear of death, fear of deprivation, fear of disrespect, it's a survival mechanism. To engage anger, in ourselves and others, it's useful to understand it as fear.
Let's unpack my response to the ever well meaning Solomon. Deep in my psyche, packed in there like an improvised explosive device, is the perception that soft will be interpreted as weak; weak will be interpreted as easy to be abused. In order to get past anger, I have to understand the fear it's trying to protect.
Retired Air Force General John Michel told me he trained his young pilots when they took fire, to fly toward the source of the incoming. That's where the things they're trying to protect are.
What is my anger protecting? How can I defuse it?
Defusing anger requires depriving it of fuel. Hence the soft words. Disengaging from the reflexive response requires asking questions.
When I'm firing away at someone, what am I afraid of? What am I trying to protect? When someone is firing at me, what are they trying to protect? What are they afraid of?
A good question is why am I protecting this? Why are they protecting this? The artist, Dave Cole, has a poignant piece. He has reproduced in sculptural form the highest medals of valor for countries that no longer exist.
When I have been able to resist my fear response to answer anger with anger, and have engaged the other with curiosity and calm, their anger diffuses. Rather than the soft answer being mistaken for weakness, it's recognized as strength, and strength fueled by respect, rather than by hostility.
I don't have any plan for world peace, but I'm reminded of this: "As Leo Tolstoy knew, having learned about war as a soldier fighting in nearby Sevastopol, war is not really won by “great men,” but by millions of ordinary ones."
If anger is generated by fear of death, fear of deprivation, fear of disrespect, it appears my job is to do my part to be respectful, generous, and safe.
As a powerful example, please take time to learn about the peacetime work John Michel is doing with his enterprise Soulcial.
Warm regards,
Francis Sopper
REFERENCED IN THIS LETTER:
highest medals of valor: https://davecoledavecole.com/#/medals-for-valor-in-service-for-countries-that-no-longer-exist/
Soulcial: https://www.pbs.org/video/soulcial-kitchen-suh8wh/