Ask a psychotherapist what their clients want most from others. You'll hear things like respected, heard, seen for who they are, supported, forgiven, maybe recognized that at this moment they are deep in concentration writing something, and want to be left alone.
In a word, people want to be known.
How do we get to know people? We pay attention to them.
Which is also why they went to a therapist. A therapist's primary job is to pay attention.
On this Valentine's Day, let me give you a powerful advantage. First, when we use the word, pay, before the word, attention; we're reaching back to an ancient meaning of the word, pay. Pay can mean something due as a result of a transaction, but older usage includes it to mean, give. Mary in Robert Frost's poem, "Death of the Hired Man," calls the gift of a home, "Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’
Being known is something we shouldn't have to deserve.
Second, when we use the word, attention, it makes us think of a single thing. In fact we have multiple attentions. You can measure them yourself here, and for the moment, I'll describe them.
Associative -- call it our attention for patterns and systems. The people around us have habits. We don't have to know someone long before we can recognize favorite foods, favorite colors, favorite people, places, and things. Offer someone something that fits their pattern for something they'll like. For my wife, it's the New Yorker cartoon calendar.
Sequential -- It's our attention for order and process. For my father, it was -- finish it; put it away. He'd just about take away your dinner plate as you were putting the last bite of food in your mouth. He had no trouble telling you to put your &@#%* stuff away, but it was a gift to him when you did it unbidden.
Listener -- There's listening, and there's active listening. An important mentor for me, Bob Lefton, taught how to support one's listening with reflective statements back to the speaker: Reflective statements assert our awareness and understanding of another’s communication without indicating whether or not we agree. The purpose isn’t to mask our own view. On the contrary, we reflect to keep the clutter of our own view out of our understanding of what the other is saying.
“Here’s what I hear you saying, . . .” or “What I’m getting from you is . . .”
Other times, you might be more direct.
"You’re not happy about this."
"That must have made your day."
"You seem frustrated."
"You seem to have mixed feelings."
It wraps the gift of listening with encouragement and understanding.
Observer -- represents our attention for visual information. It has two components. The Essential observer is the literal thingness of something. Think practical and useful. Symbolic observer is less the thing than what it represents.
My essential gift for Susan will be taking her car for a deep detailing. My symbolic gift will be confetti I made myself with a heart-shaped hole punch and multi-colored construction paper.
Mover -- represents how much pleasure we derive from being in motion. Will they want a brisk walk in the park? Will they enjoy a long sit on the park bench? Will they want a brisk walk that ends in a long sit?
Reader -- Something for everyone is "How to Talk about Books You Haven't Read" by Pierre Bayard.
Why not give this a try: read aloud to someone. Reading silently wasn't a thing until the 4th century C.E. The first record of a silent reader was Ambrose of Milan. Until then, reading was a communal activity. Reading aloud to someone can be deeply personal and engaging. Be sure to note their attention span for listening!
Talker -- Over the course of a couple of days, note three to five specific ways another has paid attention to you. I know. You're paying attention to their attention. Tell them, and tell them why you felt it as a gift. Trust me. They'll be touched by your appreciation for their gift to you.